Is that Shag pile or a bit of Axminster?

MI5 have got it all wrong. MOD: waste of money. SAS: no need for that sort of thing. And Q's finest invention was his own job creation scheme, because there was no need at all for garrotes in wristwatches, guns in Astons or lasers in Montblanc pens. No. All 007 needed to put the willies up Rosa Klebb and co was a PowerPoint presentation. 

You're sweating now aren't you? Feeling a bit 'I'm on my way to the dentist'. You're back in one of those bizarre hessian-lined rooms, full of the kind of furniture that is more Outpatients’ waiting room than stimulating work environment. There's tea and coffee in those industrial chrome and black flasks and you're massaging the ever-so-slightly red and numb finger you just 'did-in' trying to get the fecker to dispense. And as you take another Custard or Gypsy Creme off the paper doyly you try not to smirk as you think of their colloquial name Pikey Crunch. (You have to entertain yourself somehow because there certainly won't be any entertainment to be had here.) And then someone followed by roughly six to eight others opens the door and says, "Oh. Did you book this?" It's a near mandatory and momentary distraction from your new-found hobby of printing coffee rings on the feint rules of your A4 Red and Black. 

If brand names are containers for memories, then PowerPoint has made the ultimate transition: it is a Super Tanker. In much the same way the I blame eBay for the rise of designer bag smash and grabs on Bond Street (because now every scally knows what he or she is looking for and what it's worth) I blame PowerPoint for the portentous tragedy of the day I put my iPod in the fridge. The damage to the frontal lobe is accumulative and when I hear the word PowerPoint I look for the nearest scart lead and search for the nearest beam or light fitting. 

More twirls on the Waltzer than presentations – rotate, push, split, left to right – feck! And often all in the same slide. "I bought it. It's there and so I will use it all… at the same time." Are we in Big Fat Bastard Company or Carpet World? Is that background Shag pile or a bit of Axminster? And there's clearly something in the coffee. Has to be. How else do you explain 10pt orange Brush Script on a turquoise background? Come to think of it, that would also account for the mad charts: layer after layer of lines, shadows and text boxes – like pissed-up Highway Codes – which do anything but chart or put anyone in the picture. Oh. And arrows. There must be arrows. I think it's the law. And there most certainly should be a law against simply reading out what everyone is looking at, and long stretches for those who use a laser pen to point to each word as they speak them. 

Why do they do it? Why brand themselves bores before they open their traps? I try not to use it, but if I do it's a typographic backdrop: big type to emphasize important thoughts. But the presentation is me – me and a customized thingamajig of some kind, which is related to both the client and the task in question. They're what some call Propriety Tools, tools. But they're more like creative corkscrews. They open up conversation, get people yapping and participating rather than staring at a screen or a wall. Information flows. Insights flow and, importantly, you find out what lies behind the assorted labels around the table. It’s a creative way of presenting and gathering information. And isn't that what we're selling?