A new strategy for Tesco

I don’t claim that it’s a panacea or anything daft like that. But it will help to stop customers deserting you and trotting off to Sainsbury’s et al, and it will certainly increase your customer satisfaction stats. It’s very simple: make sure that your stores open when they’re supposed to and stop your employees making up their own opening hours. Yes – Farringdon Road Metro store – I’m writing about you. You couldn’t make it up; but the weekend manager at that store does.

It’s supposed to open at 7am on Saturday and Sunday, but for the past four successive Sundays it has opened at (in chronological order) 7.30, 7.25, 7.20 and 7.17. The first time the place was totally deserted, with customers waiting outside. The last three have seen me banging on the window and pointing to my wrist and being met with blank stares for my pains. The ‘manager’ doesn’t seem to be concerned that there are customers waiting outside, or that they wander off to the nearby Sainsbury’s Local. I’ve spoken to him and to his manager on the day shift who was totally unaware of his creative timekeeping, but to no avail.

Last Sunday I ‘made’ him open the doors. (Which he did only after having made a derogatory remark about me to a shelf stacker, probably along the lines of “it’s her again” or worse.) I then told him that I would not be buying anything but would be writing about him. He is arrogant and dismissive to the point of naked contempt. His manner is truly breathtaking. And for the avoidance of doubt; there were no signs or reasons for this this other than the whims of the individual concerned.

So Tesco. Better stores. Better-trained staff. More staff. Fewer robots at the checkout. Competitive pricing and greater choice. And a branded wristwatch for your Farringdon Road workforce.  

Because every watched big and little hand will help…me.

When a 'right' becomes a wrong

One of the best brand innovators, strategists and managers of the past 30 years committed brand suicide last week.

Madonna, or Madge, as we like to call her here in Blighty, got her breast out in support of women’s rights in Turkey. She was on stage of course, otherwise she probably wouldn’t have done it.

It was sad — truly sad. A sobering and unedifying spectacle and not the outstanding and inspirational gesture she obviously thought it was. Here was the death of a brand.

I’m a few months short of 51 and she’s 53. So I thought, 'put it away'. It was the wrong kind of ‘still got it’. She should have been watching the Jubilee concert. More specifically, Grace Jones, who at 64 was no less dressed in ‘otherness’ as she has always been, but made headlines everywhere by virtue of her hula-hoop. That’s brand extension.

Madge. You’re not such a great strategist after all, are you love.

Four days in June

We just presented the biggest mood board in history as part of the largest ever revelatory workshop.

“I’m trying to understand you.” Those were the words of a South Korean PhD and visiting lecturer at UCL whom I had befriended some six months ago. Trying to explain the "phenomena" as he put it, was useful to me because it helped me to crystallise my thoughts regarding ‘it’ and what it all meant. In brief, this is what I said.

1. We don’t feel the need to proclaim what we are or how we feel about being what we are as a nation on a daily basis, because we’re sure of that. But on these occasions – royal weddings, world cup successes and so on – our feelings and patriotism come to the fore. It’s like a cork being let out of a bottle.

2. The Queen, that is to say, the monarchy, represents stability and continutity. Not just for us, but for the majority (still) in the Commonwealth and others around the world who seemingly have no connection with the UK other than their like of us and our traditions, as evidenced by the interviews conducted amongst the crowds this weekend. Tellingly, many were from countries where republicanism rules.

3. Our flag is a beautiful one. But it was not so long ago that we were ashamed of it, it having been hijacked by the far right. It was symbol of hatred and bigots. It was only ten years ago that I worried about wearing my white Savage t-shirt, which bore a small Union Jack. That now seems incredulous.

4. That the difference between his neighbours in North Korea and us (in case he was confusing the two) is that we choose to react in this way. It’s what we feel. But I can understand how it could seem state-induced to others.

5. That I’m always flattered when people choose to become British citizens. Yes, Clinton, I cited you.

The past few days have been about us reminding ourselves about the essence of our brand – like it our not. We’ve been reminding ourselves that we’re all in this together. And that’s a very different interpretation of the phrase than the one spouted by our (temporary) inept collation government.

Two year-olds wearing red, white and blue ribbons; little kids draped in flags and wearing crowns made by their dads – and loving it. Dogs wearing Union bow-ties and grannies sporting face paints. “Are you proud?” he asked. "Oh, yes. Unashamedly." Even David Starkey was blubbing on the telly. But I have to say that I’d like to kick the shit out of the so called ‘commentators’ and writers who opined that having seen the projections on the Palace (which were great) that we can have hope for the Olympic opening ceremony. HOPE! Fecking hope! Do they not understand the country they’re living in, or recognise that creativity is at its very core and is as inextricably linked with us as the monarchy is? 

The biggest laugh of the weekend? That had to be the massive paper Corgi sitting on the ballroom floor at the Royal Festival Hall. I explained to a group of kids that the Queen’s first Corgi was called, Susan. And then they asked me what my name was.